Did I cross the line?

I am writing this with an extremely heavy heart.

Lately, I have been praying for more patience as I find myself, sometimes, raising my voice at Cheryl over the slightest things she does. I am not sure if it is because I have to repeat myself endlessly before she listens or if it is because I am suffering from other kinds of stress but what I know for sure is, I am very short-fused at times and I can really snap at our little girl.

To make matters worse, I was not well the past few days; I know this is not an excuse and to top it all up, Cheryl came down with fever too. It is not fun when she is ill because she will whine and throw tantrums and it can get unbearable.

The whole day, we have been trying to coax her to take her meds; sometimes, a little trickery works but often, she will just turn her face the other way, press her lips tightly together or drink lots of water and hold it in her mouth. We can talk till the cows come home but she will not open her mouth.

We tried to give her medicine again before bedtime and she was being difficult. There was only 0.5ml left on the syringe and when I saw the opportunity to squirt the meds into her mouth, I jumped at the chance. Cheryl immediately spat out the medicine and that was the last straw! My hand instinctively hit her across her cheek! She was stunned and then what followed was a loud cry but when I carried her to the room to change her pajamas, she kept very quiet and all the time, she was wiping the tears off her face.

I was silent as I changed her clothes and brought her into the bedroom. But when I put her down onto the bed, I kissed her goodnight and my tears fell.

I was overwhelmed with remorse and my heart ached. Then I asked Cheryl if her cheek was painful and she replied "No". That made it worse for me because her cheek was red and the imprint of my fingers could be seen distinctively. Cheryl said her good nights to both Daddy and I and she went to bed shortly.

In my guilt, I woke her up and asked her to give Mummy a kiss which she did so willingly. Oh, what have I done? Have I become the kind of Mummy I said I would never morph into? I know motherhood is not easy but I never knew it would be this difficult. But I will still continue to pray; for strength and patience.

And Cheryl, Mummy loves you.